Miss-Intimidating's Page

Freeze.

2006-09-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

Everyday, I would go home with a big smile plastered on my face.

Yes, indeed, my face is the picture of a perfectly happy person - contented and all that.

But that's big lie. I pretend and actually good at it.

The moment I lie on bed, that smile slowly diminishes - once, twice, thrice, over and over I think of things. Think of things that I wish I didn't do. Things I wish I didn't feel. People I shouldn't have gotten too involved with. People I should have avoided in the first place. The fear of being too overwhelmed with gestures and ending up as a loser in the end.

I'm not making sense. My sentences are badly constructed. Badly aligned. Badly organized.

Yes, scattered - that's how it is, just like how my thoughts and feelings are.

I shouldn't melt.
Cause you're melting for another

2006-07-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

I know that I have a lot of updating to make but that probably won't happen yet, not now but soon. I promise.

I've been as busy as a bee these past weeks and I'm pretty sure that I have neglected a lot of things that I usually pay attention to. Blame: Comm 100 (Intro to MassComm), BC100 (Intro to radio and tv)and asthma attack.

However, what came along with a bit of neglecting is a bit of a new association (hello new friends and new experiences!). I've been busy, yes, but that doesn't mean I didn't have fun. I had - even LOADS.

I promise to share stories soon... I'll post pics too.

First Sem. Sophomore Year.

2006-06-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

Environmental Science 1

I'm taking it under Dr. Benjamin de Jesus, who I think is a frustrated comedian. Baka magkabarkada sila ni Dr. Abastillas.Hehe.

Anthropology 10

The subject is pretty interesting and is actually a mix of different disciplines. Prof. Carlos Tatel is okay but has the tendency to be scattered.

PE 1

Ma'am Kate (Prof. Kate Layug) is so cool. I wish I was as fit as her!

Art Stud 1

Prof. Lucena didn't show up on the first day but he was recommended to me so I suppose he's good (and that he gives good grades too. tehee!)

BC100

The class is intimidating, I swear. But the fact that I have Ms. Pinky Aseron as my professor is, well, wow. She's the globe girl, the voice behind "The number cannot be reached. Please try again later." I was starstrucked when she demonstrated it in class.

Comm 100

Ma'am Evidente is sooooooo cool. I do not see boring class sessions coming.

MPs 179

Pagsusulat ng iskrip sa Pelikula. Wala akong masabi. Takot na takot na ako.
Pero astig ka Sir Aguila!

2006-06-09T04:29:00.000-07:00

My feet are terribly, terribly aching.

This is the result of not getting MST through CRS.

2006-06-03T00:49:00.000-07:00

Dear CRS,

Binigo mo ako. Bakit isang GE lang? Dalawa ang hiningi ko, `diba? Nasaan na ang PE ko? Labis mo namang isinampal sa mukha ko na hindi na ako freshie.

Ganoon ba talaga dapat? Isang taon lamang ang ibinigay mo sa akin para ma-enjoy ka. Napakaikling panahon naman non. Pinatikim mo lang pala ako.

*toink!*

Sige na, fine, I'm exaggerating. Nagpapasalamat pa rin ako sayo kasi alam kong mas mapalad pa rin ako sa iba.

Nagrereklamo ngunit nagmamahal pa rin,

Please CRS.

2006-05-31T23:23:00.000-07:00

Final processing of subject assignments today.

I hope CRS gives me PE and two more GEs.
Ayoko talaga mag-manual!

The Guilty Game

2006-05-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

Dated outside your race?
** innocent

Singing in the shower?
** guilty

Spit in someone's Drink?
** innocent

Played with Barbies/Ken Dolls?
** guilty

Made someone cry?
** guilty

Opened your Christmas presents early?
** guilty

Lied to a friend?
** guilty

Seen "The Goonies" more than 10 times?
** innocent

used a Computer for more than 5 hours?
** guilty

Ran through the sprinklers naked?
** innocent

Ate food that fell on the floor?
** guilty

Went outside naked?
** innocent

Been on stage?
** guilty

Been on stage naked or close to it?
** innocent

Been in a parade?
** guilty

Been in a school play?
** guilty

Drank beer?
** guilty

Gotten detention?
** innocent

Been on a plane?
** innocent

Been on a cruise?
** innocent

Broken into a house?
** innocent

Gotten a tattoo?
** innocent

Gotten piercings?
** guilty

Gotten into a fist fight?
** innocent

Gotten into a shouting match?
** guilty

Swallowed sea/pool water?
** guilty

Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on
purpose?
** guilty

Laughed so hard it hurt?
** guilty

Tripped on your own feet?
** guilty

Cried yourself to sleep?
** guilty

Cried in public?
** guilty

Thrown up in public?
** guilty

Lied to your parents?
** guilty

Skipped class?
** guiLty

Cried so hard you threw up?
** innocent

************
There. An excuse for being topic-less. It's fun anyway.

I tag Ate and Mae.

I don't know.

2006-05-27T23:20:00.000-07:00

We're in the middle of having dinner when he dropped the bomb yesterday, "My dad's not sending me to school this sem and my mom just decided to take me with her. I might leave for California this December."

He's leaving and I don't know what to exactly feel.

******

Hazen, I'm so glad I was able to talk to you about things. Thanks a lot and I'll keep everything in mind.Miss you adventure-partner!

ZZZZssle.

2006-05-26T14:21:00.000-07:00

May hang over pa ko sa aking super unrealistic yet "I would want to dream about it again" dream...

Hay. Inspiration.

*******

Shouts out to one dazzling candy girl who's celebrating her birthday today.

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY CHES!

Unlucky.

2006-05-25T17:52:00.000-07:00

"I'll give it to you tomorrow."
"I have one for you too. It's posted on my blog."
"Okay. I'll check it tomorrow.Just take care."
"You know what, you're easy to read."
"I don't get you. I don't understand why you have to reiterate what I've done to you."
"So that it seeps into your veins."
"You're making me suffer too much."
"Cause you made me suffer so much too."
"I know and I'm sorry. I am terribly sorry."
"If you're sorry, Show it."
"I am showing it."
"You're not. Because you're not even trying to understand why I speak about things inevitably. I cannot keep everything that I'm feeling bottled up inside. I have to release them."
"I know."
"You don't."
"I know. It's you who don't understand."
"I know I do."
"This is going nowhere. You're not trying to understand. Just take care and good bye."
"So it's you who really has to bid goodbye first? Shouldn't I be the one to drop that first?"
"Whatever. I just hope you find the right one for you, someone who would no longer shower you with problems. As for me, I wish I could find someone who would also accept everything about me that way you actually did."
"I'm not looking forward to someone new and I'm no longer interested. I've had enough and I need a break."
"Okay, if that's how you want it."
"Goodluck to you and that future girl then."
"Yes and I'll make sure that she'll never experience what you have experienced. I'll keep her away from my family just so I could hide her away from all the possible troubles she could get into. You're just unlucky."
"Wow. thank you very much."

****************
You're like Elliot Yamin, you pierce through the heart. But you're better, cause you tear it totally apart.

You've got 1 New Message

2006-05-25T00:13:00.000-07:00

Dear You,

It's having to fool myself that makes everyday hard for me.

Everyday, you would knock at our gate. I will smile at you, say "Oi!" then let you in but it's either I go ahead first or I get left behind. Once you're in, I'll offer you to sit on our not so comfortable sofa and I'll place myself somewhere far from you. I will talk to you in a very casual manner. I will sometimes throw you lots of jokes, insult you to death and dis you. You will often go home pissed off and worse, go home without even hearing something nice from me.

But there's one thing you don't know.. You don't know that everytime you go home exasperated, you leave me exasperated just as much.

You see, it's hard. It's hard when you knock at our gate and I couldn't do anything else but let you in and say "oi". It's hard when I keep myself from badly wanting to sit beside you. It's hard when I'm dying to ask you about how you feel or if you dreamt of me last night but couldn't.

It's hard to keep myself from doing all these things. But you (even I myself) can't blame me. What you've done in the past just stuck so hard in my head that I can no longer remove it. I'm trying to forget it but I just can't. However, I know, deep inside my heart that I still care that's why eventhough I once planned to do so, I didn't totally push you away and simply opened myself for friendship. Nevertheless, this friendship thing is something that I'm pretty sure we both find hard to adjust to.

But then you'll ask me, "If you find it hard then why do you still stick with it?"

For some reasons that I cannot perfectly explain, I have to. I have to because certain realizations have to be acquired by both of us.

If I have to fool myself over and over again until I get used to it, I will. I will if it is what will make things better.

Try this.

2006-05-24T01:41:00.000-07:00

Try this if you're simply wasting away time infront of the computer and can't think of a fit topic to blog about.

Your Icecream Flavour is...
Cookies 'n Cream!

Smooth and creamy with a few rough bits mixed in, you are a real treat! You are probably very popular amongst your friends. Remember too much of a good thing is not always good! Don't lay it on too thick!

What is your Icecream Flavour?

Find out at Go Quiz

Queen Spineless.

2006-05-21T09:27:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago, I've seen lots of fresh faces carrying "mabuhay ka iskolar ng bayan" envelopes around the campus. As they pass by me, I would exclaim "freshies" in my mind then flash a weird smile. At times, my blockmates and I would joke about it and say, "Pwede ng mangbully!". But then again, we're just joking. We know how it felt to be one and we know how overwhelming things about UPd can get. And somehow, I myself can't seem to have what it takes to show seniority to them because of two things: 1. I'm only a sophomore. I was a freshie like them just last year. 2. I'm just as scared as most of them.

Yes, I already experienced a year in U.P. but the one-year experience wasn't enough to take out all the cowardice in me. I actually still fret about the first day of classes. Especially now, that I'd already be having my major subjects. I'm afraid of feeling much more of loser. My summer experience in a classroom full of masscomm students made me really intimidated.

Having to apply for an organization also scares me. Managing time is something I was never good at. I also tend to be insecure at times and become really pessimistic. Being surrounded by very good people just makes me feel so incapable of excelling.

I feel really upset that I still haven't gained the confidence a BC student should have. But I don't plan to be upset about it for the rest of my life. So together, with those anxious-about to be shocked freshies, I welcome myself to another year of stay in UP and I hope that as I blog next year, I'd be confident enough to post that the 2 years of stay was able to remove the not-really-helping spinelessness in me.

blessed.

2006-04-20T00:21:00.000-07:00

March 21 was the official last day of classes for the second semester. Infact, summer classes have already started last Monday. Yet, it is only now that I can finally say that I survived the 2nd semester of my freshie year. Now, that my grades are complete. (Actually, after waiting so long for Sir Falgui to release our grades.)

Now, I feel really blessed. so blessed. God never failed to answer my prayers. I'm utterly glad that I was able to achieve greater now than the previous sem.

Grabe talaga si LORD! Mahal na mahal nya ko!

Hell Week

2006-03-06T20:54:00.000-08:00

3 more weeks before the sem ends but it's no 'whew' or 'wow' time yet because hell weeks have come. I hate it when you seem to do very few things more than half of the sem then you'll be so loaded days before it ends.

It's amazing how I'm still able to blog despite the weight of school works, right? No, don't be amazed, I'm just one of those persons who still gets to be a bit irresponsible inspite of the demands.

Okay, so what's instore for Rorie this week and what is she faced to accomplish?

* Research for POLSCI 14 debate : Class approach vs. Elite Families Approach to explain Philippine Politics and Government
* Almost everyday debate meetings plus mock debate
* English 1 paper
* Watership Down
* Preparation for Student of the Day (still)

Hell week has come and 2 more will follow.

Hope Rorie survives.

-----------

While I'll be off for quite sometime, let me share with you some pictures taken last week.

Feb. 28, 2006. Mae, My sister and I after watching the UP Pep Squad Concert.

March 2, 2006. Very belated birthday celebration of Eden. (From l-r: Loren, Eden and I)

March 4, 2006. Bonding with Highschool friends.

Let's go UP!

2006-02-28T00:00:00.000-08:00

I just got home from the UP Pep Squad Concert and boy, was it a hit.

Before anything else, much love to my ate! I'm so proud of you sis. You definitely have been a shining star. (JPIA, her org, won second place in the contest held before the concert proper!) and of course to the Pep apps too. Way to go PUNKY!

Okay, moving on, the PEP SQUAD concert was really 'wow-worthy'. The university theater has been jampacked with people leaving Anna and I with hardly nothing to sit on. (But we got a seat anyway with a really good view) You see, i have never watched a dance concert before and I never thought it could be that fun.

Every single second was like a drop-jaw moment. They way they stretch their legs, the way they glide, jump, stand high on a pyramid as if they're on plain grounds were simply amazing. The creativity of their presentation was of course something to be taken into consideration. Their performances,which were filled with variations (ethnic, samba, madonna's like a virgin and material girl, cheerdance)really failed to bore us, the audience. The UP vs. UST spoof was the best part. They discussed what happened in the last UAAP cheerdance competition and i'm telling you, everybody was clapping and screaming especially when the UP representative said, "dapat sayo malunod... ay hindi pala, sana'y nga pala kayo sa baha." This doesn't signal school war, okay? It just goes to show how audacious UP students could get and how firm they stand for what they believe in.

But on second thought, I believe that the UP Pep Squad should have really won! (Peace Tigers!)

I believe so because their performances reflect the kind of commitment and dedication they put into every single move they make. Their attitude towards what they're doing is simply admirable.

To the UP Pep Squad, my 2 thumbs up! No Growling Tiger can Lord over!
Let's go UP! UP Fight!

Random Thoughts.

2006-02-27T09:30:00.000-08:00

Let me just say that I'm at "my thoughts are so scattered" moment. So just bear with me.

WHAT I HAVE IN MIND AT THE MOMENT:

* Our country's present situation is getting worse but it's not a hopeless case.
* What the Philippine Society needs is UNITY.
* No-class days are addicting.
* Photos may lie.
* It's never bad to wish for another pair of havaianas. (Pink one please!)
* College of Science canteen serves really good food.
* It's not bad to splurge money on books.
* A Walk to remember still never fails to make me cry.
* Nicholas Sparks is definitely one of the best around.
* It's better to cry over a moving novel than cry due to unmet expectations.
* You own your blog. You need not to follow any rules, theme whatsoever in your entries.
* We all have juvenile spots and it's fun to abuse them.
* Saying sorry isn't that hard.
* Getting irritated's hard to avoid.
* Having shattered ideas isn't solely the result of lack of sleep but as well a result of oversleep.

Okay, enough of non-sense. This is crap, I know. Heehee.

2006-02-24T08:47:00.000-08:00

A no-class day. Wow.

It sure is no big deal but it feels really nice to have even a day off from school works.

If there's class today, I'd be currently glued to my POLSCI notes, feeling nervous and all about being called Student of the day. I would probably be ranting again about how long our english instructor made us wait for him.

Anyway, anyway, I'm really just glad that there are no classes today. Well, I guess others aren't rejoicing just as much as I am. Thanks to the rally. Those rallyists, no matter how much some would deny, really makes such an impact. Impact on traffic and holidays as the most visible. But of course, there are things far beyond that.

This suddenly made me remember the relentless times I was asked to join ANAKBAYAN and LFS. If not for my parents, I could have given in. Our lesson in POLSCI made me realize what these people really are fighting for and if every filipino will have the chance to even have a slight knowledge about it, we would all be probably wishing for the same thing. This just goes to show how knowlege of a particular thing serves as a good investment. how knowledge of something makes us realize if something presently existing is what's proper or not.

Given what these activists have in mind, we'll all realize how oppressed we are and how much we're losing.

Kay Sarap mag-tagalog

2006-02-22T13:00:00.000-08:00

Ano ba ang mas masakit? Manakawan ng cellphone o masiraan ng cellphone ngunit wala namang pera para maipagawa?

~~Whatever Rorie.~~

Nakakainis. Nakakadepress. Nasira ang cellphone ko. Ubos na allowance ko.

Hindi pa naman ako nagdala ng wristwatch dahil sa labis na tiwala ko sa aking pulang telepono. Sira din ang alarm clock ko ngayon. Hindi ko rin makokontak ang nanay ko. Hindi naman yun marunong mag-internet. Hindi ko na rin makakatext si toot. Sayang yung load ko. Nakaunlimited pa naman yun. Buti na lang putol yung linya ko, hindi masyado nakakapanghinayang. Wala ng work out ang mga daliri ko ngayon.

Sana madaan ko sa orasyon ang sira nya. Syet talaga.

Nakakalungkot. Nakakaiyak.

Lintek rorie ang babaw! Kaya please lang pakisampal ako!

To Drop or Not to Drop

2006-02-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

~~Our Eng1 instructor is the ultimate headache.~~

Last friday, he threatened us with an "I think some of you should drop." I know I shouldn't be scared but it just seemed inevitable since we're clueless about our standing. He didn't give back our exam and there are rumors that he gives very low points in essays (and yes our exam was pure essay). He told us that he lost our bluebooks so he asked for us to consult with him this monday to check his recordbook in case we're interested about our class standing.

I went to him last Monday (last day for dropping) with Jerome and guess, what his greeting was? "I don't have your record book. If you want to drop, just give me your dropping slip."

Who the hell would drop if he/she hasn't even any idea of how he/she's doing in class? I guess, it's given that as long as you know that you're doing all that's required, you don't have to worry about anything. But the thing is, the exam definitely would affect our grades and we're darn CLUELESS about it.

He even explained on the first day of class that his grading system's very transparent. "You see class, you can compute it on your own. Find the average of your exam and your special project." Yeah right sir, like it's that easy! Give us our exams then!

The man could really teach.There's no doubt about that. He might even be one of the best around. His intellect is simply unquestionable but in terms of responsibility, i don't know why he seems to be neglectful.

We even think that he's a sadist. "Someone should suffer" is his favorite line and he claims to purposely schedule his exams during lantern parade, fair and other events wherein we would excitedly attend. "I want to steal the happiness of people", he says. How sweet?

I love the fact that I learn a lot from English Class but I hate the fact that my Eng1 class is a shamefully droppable one.

Hello? Are you there, child?

2006-02-19T11:44:00.000-08:00

God seems to be contacting us bigtime these past days. Just recently, the stampede in Ultra and now, the killer landslide in Leyte.

Just as most would probably say, death seems to come in packs these days. And for this matter, our mindset is that there should be someone to be blamed. Either it be ABS-CBN for the way they organized things, the security for their wrong strategies, municipal officials for not informing people about DENR's warning, yaddah, yaddah, yaddah.

The thing is, why do we always have to pinpoint to someone? Why don't we just try looking at things in a wider scope? Let's just try asking ourselves...

What kind of society do we have today? Is it united? Are there more gaps than close ties? What kind of people have we become? Judgemental? Money-centered? Worshippers of material things? How about our relationship with God? When did we last pray? When did we last hear mass? Do we manage to identify mistakes that we've commited and ask God for His forgiveness?

God intended these things to happen not because He wanted people to suffer. He loves us and just won't let anything bad happen to us. We are His children and He'll protect us in anyway He could. But just like our parents, God gives us constant reminders and once in a while, reprimands us when we're no longer aware that we're doing the wrong things.

The stampede and the landslide are wake up calls. It's God talking to us, telling us that we already have forgotten our real purposes in this world. It is His reminding us of the things that we should be really doing. It's His call for our unity, call for us to finally settle with PEACE, call for us to realize that money isn't everything, call for us to talk to him and obey him and call for us to realize what LOVE really is.

God is reaching out to us. He's calling for us to change and be more close to HIM.

And the best thing we could do is, ANSWER HIS CALL.

2006-02-18T21:05:00.000-08:00

UPDATES! UPDATES!

February 6

My debut. Call me unlucky but I was sick. Puked. Extreme Headache. Surprise party by boardmates (much love to them). Endless greetings from people I love and who loves me. Not feeling well but smiling. Bittersweet day.

February 7

Film Showing in PolSci 14.Minsan Isa'y gamu-gamo. Never thought old films could be really good. Learned to look after substance rather than appearance. Belated birthday greetings from blockmate.

February 9

Welcome Optics part of Physics 10. Welcome Sir Carlo Mar - the ultimate hunk.

February 10

Forced to go back to Laguna. Still not feeling that well. No more geog camp for me.

February 11 and 12

Geog camp! While my classmates are having fun in Batangas, i'm stuck in laguna. Bed-ridden. Can hardly stand. Sick once more.

February 13

Before I let you go, I want to say... Happy Valentines (as rendered by Sir Carlo Mar). Never thought a professor could make me gush.

February 14

Lovely's birthday. Valentine's Day. Date-less. Gimmick-less. Physics 10 second exam. Got really frustated.

February 15 - 16

UP Fair with Mae, Jhef, Ann and Jeje. Fun, Fun, Fun. Wall climbed. Danced. Sang. Enjoyed.

February 17

Song presentation in English 1.
Title: Why wasn't I born a cat?
Genre: Rap
Celine, we rock!

---------------------

Okay guys, that's what you call a lousy entry. I'm feeling really lazy so pardon! Heehee.

Princess without a ball gown.

2006-02-01T04:27:00.000-08:00

I believe that if you'll check every girls wishlist, a grand debut party would always be present. I know too well because I was once one of those girls who dreamed of such a grand event.

I'll be seated comfortably in a beautiful chair that would seem to be meant only for me that instant and feel my tears flowing as important people in my life gather before me. There would be 18 guys to offer me 18 pretty roses and ask me to dance. One of them would be my dad and one of them, my special someone. Eighteen of my best girlfriends would hold 18 lighted candles and speak about me and would each make a wish for me. I'd have a huge cake sliced before me. I would wear a gown that'd make me feel like a princess. People would sing for me and dance for me. They would greet me and tell me, "Rorie, what a nice party you have."

~~Rorie, wake up!~~

Yes, I have to blow that dream bubble away. I am never going to have such happening in my life and I am not feeling bad about it. Sure it'd feel better if there'd be one but life's reality is that, you cannot just have everything you wish for and that you just have to be contented with what will be offered to you.

I'm turning 18 this February 6 and I'd be spending it away from home, at my small nook in my boarding house, with regular meals, regular clothes but an extraordinary feeling. Rorie's gonna be 18 but won't have a party. But guys, I don't want you to feel sad for me because I am just okay. A party cannot be pursued simply because it cannot be due to financial matters.

But again, I'm not frowning because after all, isn't being 18 all about maturity? And isn't being practical and cooperating with my parents maturity? Isn't setting a side something worth having by a single person over something worth having by a greater number maturity?

Aren't these the whole point of being 18?

I might not experience something that many girls would but still, I'm happy because I have come to realize things that not many girls would come to realize. I am happy because the past 18 years of my life though threatened with problems still has become incredibly great. I have great people around me - loving parents, good friends, supportive relatives. What else could I ask for? I have everything not only a would-be-18 year old would wish for. I have people who truly love me and nothing would ever, ever beat that.

I am turning 18, no party but I am smiling.
I am turning 18, no party but I am happy.
I am turning 18, no party but I am grateful.

To those people who truly love me, my gratitude and love goes out to all of you. I may not have the chance to get you and all the things you've done recognized but rest assured that you and what you've done are all here, here in my tiny beating organ.

The Melody of Beautiful Words.

2006-01-31T00:37:00.000-08:00

I bugged Mae with a silly question again last night.

"Mae, mamamatay na ba ako?"

Not as good as it may seem to some, I have always been someone who enjoys hearing compliments from other people. I have always been someone who's all smiles whenever people let me know that they care. So to say, I have always been someone who finds music in lines such as, Ang galing mo naman, Ang sarap mo kasama, You made me smile today, I love you, you make me feel good and the list goes on.
It is not that I rarely hear these from people (but not that often too!) but hearing too much overwhelming words from different people in just a single day is definitely something.

And, Yesterday was definitely something.

For some reasons which could be ~~Post Menstrual Depression~~, I felt really down yesterday. I can't completely identify if I was simply feeling lonely, dissapointed with how some things have occured, just home sick or just feeling the effect of lack of sleep. I thought my day would end up just as how it started but I was wrong. Before I slept, there are people who texted me and consulted with me things that are bothering them. Simply put, I decided to set aside my own depression to aid the depression of others. However, things turned out unexpectedly. I have never thought that my effort to aid their depression would actually be paid by them easing back my depression. How?

" Hindi talaga ako nagkamaling humingi ng tulong sayo. Buti na lang nandyan ka. Iba ka talaga."

" Sobrang narealize ko yung halaga mo sa buhay ko..."

Aren't those enough for my feelings to lighten up? Aren't those enough to make me smile?
Of course yes. And what feels even better is that those came from people who I never thought would actually say that.

I honestly felt as if I was about to die then. I felt as if God wanted people far from me to reach me before it's too late. I felt as if God wanted me to leave with inner peace. I might seem to be exaggerating but really guys, I thought it was exaggerated myself too but that is how it actually felt.

*******
To those people, I know I won't die yet but I just wanna thank you for providing me with a new tune I could dance to for the rest of my earth life.

what the f*** is wrong with me?

2006-01-26T02:06:00.000-08:00

I bugged Mae last night by repetitively asking her if I am a bad person.

All along, I thought everything's going fine but well, again I'm wrong. Let me just say that I'm now into a struggle between myself and myself. I've been acting quite different these past days. I easily become peeved with people's unusual behavior. I even get irritated with weird smiles and uncanny ways of speaking. I get irritated with the slightest of things.

And I believe that such are negative. I just keep on opposing other people. I know right here and now, that I should stop.

My apologies to those innocent people who has been hit by my weird sickness.

Back for good?

2006-01-25T02:38:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Jen for giving me the punch in the head that I simply needed. "Rorie, magupdate ka naman ng blog mo!"

Guys, blame it on 3 things.

1. Our age old and already needs replacement personal computer. Each week, its problem varies. One week, you'd struggle with frequent hanging. The next, it's with the improbability of getting connected to the net and just this week, it's the mouse that's giving me the headache.

2. Budget cut within the family. I had to cooperate and lessen my expenses on things that are not really necessary and that includes renting a computer just to blog.

3. PolSci 14. The subject takes away leisure time from its students. We are required to literally study everytime.

Anyway, dear readers and bloghoppers, Rorie's life has been fine these past days. Family problems and relationship tests here and there, but she's still standing still. UP life gives her a lot of pressure but Rorie still manages to survive. Hey, Rorie still has that smile plastered on her face!

In some weeks time, she'll be turning 18 meaning more privileges for her but greater responsibilities. We'll see if she'll handle it.

You need me not.

2006-01-01T22:06:00.000-08:00

Celine Dion’s I Love You Good bye

Wish I could be the one
The one who could give you love
The kind of love you really need
Wish I could say to you
That I'll always stay with you
But baby that's not me
You need someone willing to give their heart and soul to you
Promise you forever, baby that's something I can't do
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

I hope someday you can
Find some way to understand
I'm only doing this for you
I don't really wanna go
But deep in my heart I know this is the kindest thing to do
You'll find someone who'll be the one that I could never be
Who'll give you something better
Than the love you'll find with me
Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a crime
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Leaving someone when you love someone
Is the hardest thing to do
When you love someone as much as I love you

Oh I don't wanna leave you
Baby it tears me up inside
But I'll never be the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Baby, its never gonna work out
I love you, goodbye

I laughed at the first time I browsed through the lyrics of this song. I thought that the lyricist just wanted to give people a safe yet lame way to excuse themselves from a relationship and break up. I believed that breaking up is not something you pursue because of a reason as vague as not being able to provide your partner with what he needs. Breaking up ends an investment of myriad things: memories, time, effort, care and love so it shouldn't be set with a period that way. Just like medical aid, It should be done only when it is very, very necessary.

But eventually, I swallowed all these ideas back and plastered a "Should have been thought of very well first" sign on them. At the moment, browsing through the lyrics of the song felt like having a drum struck once in a while inside me. Each word simply hit me straight -- so straight that it seemed like reading my own thoughts.

Jhef and I had shared a long time together and in that duration, I thought I've already found a relationship that would last. In the past, I could say that we've been very good at providing each other with what we both need. I can very well say that we've been good at making each other happy. However, a point came wherein I felt incapable of continuing to make him happy and continuing to provide him what he needs. For a time, he worked out the relationship alone. He worked alone towards surviving the relationship. He sacrificed alone. He did everything alone. He was good at it because somehow, the relationship stayed a bit longer.

But don't get me wrong, I tried but became bad at trying. I knew then that I still cared for him but what I really didn't know was if I still loved him. I'd been caught between hearing my heart say, "Yes. You do love him" and my head say, "No. You don't."

And yes, I was more of a head person.

I believed what my head was telling me. I know that they are true. I can no longer accept Jhef for what he is. I can no longer tell him 'I love You' every second, every minute. I can no longer control my temper over him. I already choose to laugh with other people when he commits a mistake. I already choose to blurt out loud his shortcomings. I already choose to make him frown over making him smile.

I've been bad. So bad. Terribly Bad.
I've been bad. So bad. Terribly Bad.

Again, I've been bad. So bad. Terribly Bad that he no longer deserves keeping a relationship with me. I could no longer give what a good person like him deserves. I was never the one he needed so there's nothing else left for me to do but to say Goodbye.

Oh I could say that I'll be all you need
But that would be a lie
I know I'd only hurt you
I know I'd only make you cry
I'm not the one you're needing
I love you, goodbye

Cheap Treat.

2005-11-26T23:58:00.000-08:00

Didn't you ever realize how heaven-sent those tiangge stalls are?

They may not sell the best brands around but still they are able to aid our shopping hungry hearts and aching pockets. These past few days, I've been so into the tiangge stalls beside the Parish of the Holy Sacrifice in UP and some of my best buys were:

1. Maui & Sons black/pink binder for P35. Guys, it's real maui and sons but are old, old stocks that were never sold in malls.
2. Cute cute cellphone accessory for P30.
3. Wood chess set for 60 pesos.
4. Pretty earrings for P10.

Unbelievable right? I'm telling you, snobbing tiangge's is a big, big NO, NO!

Fitness Freak (?)

2005-11-19T20:44:00.000-08:00

Back in gradeschool and highschool, I used to utilize the fact that I have asthma as a license to be excused from PE class. I attended each and every lecture session and participated very well in them but that wasn't the case when it comes to practicum where I plainly worked as a watcher.

However, such license has reached its expiration already and I can in no way renew it. You can't get away with college PE just like that. So since I got into college, I've started to convince myself that it's about time that I stretch myself out from the belief that every physical activity will trigger an attack. It's about time that I get involved with things I never got involved with before.

Last semester, I started out with Duckpin Bowling which wasn't extremely physical. In a way, I don't want to abuse myself and stress it too much. This sem, I got myself into PILATES. We haven't gotten into the real work-out sessions yet but was able to experience a bit of it last night.

Since we missed two meetings last week, our instructor required us to attend the AFPP Aerobics Marathon in Fort Bonifacio last night. It was a 3 hour non-stop (well, okay there had been one minute breaks in between routines!) aerobics event. And boy, It was the very first time that I sweated so much as in real, real much. Of course to top it, I gasped at some point but no asthma attack dear! ~~NO ASTHMA ATTACK.~~

Now, why am I saying all of these? I just want to share with you the realization that we should never set limitations for ourselves. Let no physical or other disabilities stop us from doing things. We could still do something beyond our known capabilities, we just have to discover them.

BUHAY PEYUPS.

2005-11-15T06:22:00.000-08:00

Syempre pa second sem na pero wala pa rin akong kwento. Kumusta naman y'on?

Anyway guys, there still aren't occurences that are worth sharing at the moment. Second sem's still fresh and it'll actually take time before I could actually juice it out. I'm just hoping that I could do well this semester like what I've done in the previous or even better. I really have to have my prayers handy all the time.

Pilates is still a big mystery to me. Our instructor still isn't showing up. I ought to find out what experiences I'll be having in this PE class this Thursday.

NatSci 1 is boring. Our instructor literally 'buzzes' on the microphone and laughs without a really worthy reason. But still, the subject is dreaded and as stereotyped, hard to pass so I really have to find ways to draw monotony away.

Physics 10 is Physics 10. Tehee! It's one of the okay subjects at the moment.

English 1 is basic english yet I've been intimidated. Anyway, I'm getting the hang of it (or should I say our professor?) already and I'm starting to devote myself to reading STARSHIP TROOPERS already.

PolSci 14 is intimidating. PERIOD.

Geog 1 is way, way cool.

Well, I really am too lazy to say something really sensible. I promise a better entry next time!

2005-11-12T16:30:00.000-08:00

My last blog update was... err.. was last...
When was it again?

I can hardly remember. Now, I am officially a ~~Pathetic Blogger~~ (as Mimi dubs it.). Anyway, i don't plan to keep such title for a long time so I'd be updating.

Last November 4 was like a day of transition for me. I felt as if I went back to my being 4 years old as we strolled till our feet ached around Manila Zoo, Rizal Park and Fort Santiago. We were with kids so don't ask me what the hell I'm doing there. ( But hey, I froze when I saw the original copies of Noli and El Fili.) Then came night time and I've felt as if I was in the shoes of an 18 year old (it's just months away anyway!) as we went to Malate and practically spent the night listening to bands. However, while my cousins were there drowning themselves with 4 barrels of beer, I was stuck there drinking iced tea. (heehee) I'm not witheld or something, I really don't drink so don't feel bad for me. We went straight to Makati (aunt's house) after and slept there. We then woke up at around 4am to already head to Laguna but then FIRE broke in my aunt's house. Yes, fire! The hose of their gas tank and got disconnected. We've all been really terrified but then my grand pa and sister were really born brave and they were able to put off the fire. (Thank God!) Even the it has been already over, I still felt afraid. Strange ideas started to pop in my head. What if the fire wasn't put off? What if the tank exploded and my sister and grand pa was there? What would happen to us?

After that incident, I ended-up swallowing everything that I have posted in my last entry.

MY SEM-BREAK WAS INDEED WELL-SPENT. It was well spent not because I got to really sleep, not because I got to eat REAL food, not because I got endless internet access but IT WAS INDEED WELL SPENT because It was spent with the people closest to my heart and the people I am really comfortable with, MY FAMILY.

Nothing will ever beat that!

And now that I'm back in Quezon City, I can't help but miss them and feel homesick. However, knowing that they are just there when I need them gives me enough solace even if they're not around.

That's the way. Aha! Aha! I like it!

2005-11-03T13:03:00.000-08:00

Ilang araw na lang, SECOND SEM na!

And I guess, I need a few slaps before I could actually absorb such realization. ~~Okay, so I once said that I miss schooldays but I also said that my mind could change anytime.~~

I had almost a month free from schoolworks but I don't feel as if I've done much to actually make the break worth it. Well, I've gotten as much sleep as I can. Kept myself away from all sorts of FRIED food since I know that I'd be overdosing myself with them again once I get back to Quezon City. I've abused the use of internet. Feasted my eyes on all my favorite Cable programs on TV. It might seem that I've done much but no, they still are not enough for me to actually say that my sembreak is well spent.

Anyway, anyway, anyway, I hope our day till night-out tomorrow would finally wrap up my sembreak the way I want it.

Reaching 360 degrees?

2005-10-30T13:57:00.000-08:00

Having changed is something I've long admitted to myself. College has indeed brought me a lot of changes. However, a question leading to further queries bothers me at the moment. "On what degree have I changed?" Is it really that severe for me to be ~~hated~~?

I've started to really dress up. I've become more involved. I've been more inclinated to accessories. I no longer am that shy. I always try to walk with my chin up. I've started to really speak my mind out. Yes, I've been more outspoken. These are the changes in me that I am aware of and aside from these, I don't know what else. I'm scared to know that my personality have made a complete 360 degrees rotation and that I am already way, way far from what I have been before. I'm afraid to find out that the changes in me are starting to hurt people bigtime.

Has my fashion sense gone overboard? Then maybe I should no longer wear chandelier earrings.
Has my involvement made me a mega opportunity-grabber? Then maybe I should no longer present myself to things that I wanna do.
Is my chin bothering people already? Then maybe I should expose them less.
Have I've been too outspoken? Then maybe I should speak less.

I'm so bothered. I don't know if there's something wrong with me. Do you guys have ever been suspected of something you're not aware of doing? Sucks bigtime right? That's what exactly I am trapped in.

SOMEONE SLAP ME!

Fight against calories!

2005-10-26T13:55:00.000-07:00

In the past weeks, I've been feeling something peculiar.

I would wake up in the morning, look at my tummy and find out that it's bloated.
After taking a bath, I would prepare my favorite sleeveless tee, face the mirror and get shocked at my unusually wider arms.
I would then slip on my bottoms and find it hard to zip it or button it.
During meal time, I would sit infront of the dining table and find it hard to refuse eating largely.

Well, I've realized that I have already turned into a glutton and that I'm growing really bigger.
Because of this, I have to promise myself a few things.

1. Exercise regularly. (Crunches, stretching and jogging!)
2. Eat moderately. Cut on the rice.
3. Say NO to ~~softdrinks~~.

From this moment, Rorie will already start her FIGHT AGAINST CALORIES. ~~Hope she succeeds.~~

When something that used to suck turns sweet...

2005-10-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

I must admit it Philo 1 was never my favorite subject. Besides meeting Anna and Iris, I have no other reasons to look forward to this subject. Endless modules, SAQ's and relentless explanations from my professor, myriad no-class days, some 30-minute sessions and crossing over Philo topics to anthropology, biology, religion and so on and so forth. I totally believed that the subject under that certain professor ~~sucked~~.

But as you guys will notice, all the verbs that I have used are in the past tense.
Meaning to say, the way I looked at Philo 1 before has changed now. ~~Now, that I have seen my grade.~~ And boy, am I so thankful.

The second time around.

2005-10-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

I thank OCSC for conducting a UNITED NATION's DAY celebration because my bestfriend and I were able to spend time together again. How? The UN celebration required floats and because most of us here are left thinkers, we found it really hard to come up with the illustration for the float. So, we contacted my bestfriend JULIA and luckily, she agreed to help us. She would really agree, I know, but problem is if she'd be allowed. Thanks to my mom's convincing powers too, her guardians allowed her.

However, came with the getting together is a sad news. She'll be leaving for Batanes again and will not be here on my debut. She won't even be enrolling for the next semester. I wish I could do something about it but it was something internal. It is a decision made by her family. Anyway, we've been through the same situation before and I'm pretty sure we could handle the 'repeat' just like before.

Sheez.. I'll really miss her. Here are some pics taken last October 22nd.

Twister Fries and 5 and Up!

2005-10-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

I reluctantly ended my 6-hour sleep yesterday because I had to go to Diliman to get my hands on my final grade and exam results in BIO 1. I would, at the same time, collect all my available classcards and as well as my sister's.

Okay, I was greeted by Mae's text asking me if it's okay for her to go with me to UP. Why the hell not? I even thought I'd go to Ayala alone since Jhef and I just agreed to meet there. Mae and I left past 10am and reached Ayala at around 12 pm. The plan was to get together with Jhef at Mc Donald's but as we moved our way to the twister fries haven, someone from my back placed his left hand around my shoulder and positioned his right hand as if he's pointing a gun at my side. I was of course frightened. Good thing, it was just a practical joke played by whoelse but JHEF. Anyway, we still headed to Mc Donald's since I am so dying to eat twister fries. (I'm telling you guys, I am so glad it's back.) We spent 30 minutes there and finally got into the MRT. We were so glad then because the train wasn't jampacked. We then arrived at Quezon Ave. and immediately loaded a jeepney heading to UP Campus. At that instant, I never thought that the jeepney ride would entail something worth marking. So there were the three of us, chit chatting the ride away when the bus stopped before Quezon Hall. We were all so busy talking that when we looked at who just got into the jeep, we suddenly shut our mouths up and nearly had the shock of our lives. (Okay, I'm exaggerating!) You'll find this funny but we have seemed starstrucked and all that when we saw this guy sporting a pink polo and perfectly matching jeans. Seeing him made me remember my Gradeschool days when I was so into the program, 5 and up. Okay, I've seen him walking around the campus but it was my first *very near* encounter with him. He sat right beside Mae and right infront of me. I had an idea that he's out to meet someone since he checks on his phone once in a while. I nodded just so I won't give any reaction that would scare him off. The jeepney then's finally near CAL (our first stop) and just as we were about to say, "para". The guy doning the pink polo shirt said, "para". We unloaded the jeepney and stopped for a while to see where he's heading. Sadly, we won't be going to the same place. The moment that we lost sight of him, Mae and I screamed our excitement off and blurted out "Oh my gosh! Atom!" (Yes patty, atom! heehee..) He was really striking and all but what really excited me was the fact that he's one of those persons I used to look up to in gradeschool. So there. We trekked our way to FC while ranting about Atom relentlessly. we first went to the English Department for my CW10 classcard but it's closed due to lunch break. The note told us to go back at 1:30. We then walked up the second floor for our Kas 1 classcards but was welcomed with the same thing. This time, we were asked to be back at 2pm. After that, we moved one more floor up for our Comm3 and Philo classcards and yes, lucky us, they are not available yet. We then searched for the Filipino department, which made us walk along nearly the whole of FC and fortunately, we were able to get my sister's classcard for her Kom 1. We went to Institute of Chem after for Mae's Chem 16. Then, we headed to the Institute of Biology and there I met with Prof. Mamaril. I was somehow dissapointed since he didn't give our classcards yet and told me to get it after a week. However, I felt happy with the results of my Bio Exams. We went back to FC after and was finally able to get hold of my CW10 and Kas1 classcards. It was followed by more and more walking towards Econ, BA, Stat and get this: the GYM wherein we were so dismayed by the disorder at the pigeonholes. However, I was able to get my classcard for Bowling. Again, lucky us, we've been caught in the rain without umbrellas so there we were, beside the gym, looking stupid and waiting for the rain to stop. We decided to go to head back to Ayala already right after the nature's shower stopped. And boy, I saw another 5 and Up-per at the MRT station. He was standing before me and it actually took me some time before I could even recognize him. It was JOLLY.

So, okay, we were supposed to go home already but SM, G4 and Landmark was so tempting so we decided to drop by there and eat first. After an hour or so of strolling we decided to finally get back home and give our aching feet the break they deserve.

Hiatus.

2005-10-20T00:23:00.000-07:00

Shouts out to the ChE major!

2005-10-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

We've shared sleepless nights due to exams and endless chatting.

We've shared tears due to home-sickness.

We've shared laughs because of petty people.

We've shared times of being peeved because of silly rumors cast upon us.

We've shared misadventures in Alabang.

We've shared beds.

We've shared pillows and blankets.

We've shared breakfast over plain fresh milk.

We've shared luch over perpetual longganisa.

We've shared dinner over bagoong and itlog na maalat.

We've shared meals that are never without calamansi.

We've shared one semester together.
We've survived one semester together too.

And I must say, sharing and surviving with you is something I'd be forever grateful of.
Thanks for keeping me family away from home!

Love you lots Kristine Mae Arnaldo Cada!

And now that you're 17, i wish you all the luck and love in the world!
Let no math,physics or chem prof bring you down!
YOU (WE) CAN SURVIVE U.P.!

Now I miss it. The next minute, I don't.

2005-10-17T17:22:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that I am actually going to say this.

I MISS SCHOOLDAYS.

Yup, you read it right. I miss having to wake up with a worthy cause. I miss cramming for a long exam. I miss staying for hours infront of the computer because I can't think of anything to write on my reaction paper. I miss skipping breakfast and lunch. I miss writing important reminders on my planner. I miss taking down notes. I miss having to sit in class and listen to my professors. I miss my classmates. I miss UP.

I SIMPLY MISS BEING IN SCHOOL.

But on second thought, just don't take this blog entry seriously because I honestly think that what i'm feeling is just a spur of the moment kind - it's temporary. I might on the following days just come up with an entry saying, I hate school days. Heehee..

DEAR SANTA...

2005-10-16T19:55:00.000-07:00

Time flew so quickly that I hardly realized that the present month ends with a -BER already.

And yep, it means Christmas is just several tick-tocks away. I guess, (in case you guys are planning to save some bucks for a present for me.. kidding!) it's about time that I come up with this:

RORIE'S CHRISTMAS WISHLIST:

1. LAPTOP

Since I entered college, this has been on top of my list. Living far from home and having to spend most of my allowance on computer rental made me realize the advantage of having one.

2. A PAIR OF REALLY NICE AND COMFY SHOES.

Walking is inevitable in UP so, it really has to be comfortable.

3. A GREEN AND WHITE TEE.

No more explanations. I just want to have them.

4. NEW PAIR OF FLIP-FLOPS.

Let it be black, brown or green. Any of these 3 will do.

5. A PASTEL COLORED BOTTOM.

I want them to be short pants!

Hmm... I can only think of 5 things at the moment. I'll make my wishlist longer in the following days.

Highschool or College?

2005-10-15T20:03:00.000-07:00

My Highschool friends and I met today and I can't exactly say that I had FUN.

Well, for some reasons, I am no longer as comfortable as I was with them before.

1. We are no longer bound by the same interests.
2. We have already been influenced by our college acquaintances.
3. Some are showing off.

In short, it is because of CHANGE, which is really inevitable.I, myself, admit that I have changed and that my shift in interests somehow draws me apart from some of my HS friends.

One more thing. Somehow, I see no interest in them to atleast listen to what I have to share. We would all start this chatterbox and everybody's supposed to say something, right? But the thing is, when it's my turn to speak they seem to pay no attention at all. I mean, that sucks. So what am I supposed to do then? Stare at them? Smile when they say something funny? Listen to their countless story? and SAY NOTHING? Okay.

WISHES GRANTED DEAR FRIENDS.

This made me miss my Bestfriend Julia more. I know she'd listen to me.

*whew*

At times, I miss highschool. At times, I don't.

Convinced?

2005-10-14T02:08:00.000-07:00

I always tend to check the profiles of certain people I wish not to mention in Friendster. It's not that I'm amazed by them whatsoever cause I actually am not. It's just that I always end up wondering where they get all the guts to show off in their accounts and make people perceive that they are superstars of some sort. that they are drop-dead gorgeous. that they are the best dressers on earth. that people should envy (?!) them. that they are so-socialites.that they are. that they blah. that they. that they. yaddah yaddah.

Okay, stop it. I'm not pissed. Really. Believe me. Heehee.

Sem-BREAK!

2005-10-12T11:06:00.000-07:00

I've been enjoying my sembreak for days now and I'm getting my much deserved break.

I have also started receiving some of my grades and well, they're turning pretty okay. However, seeing my grades made me miss the kind of treatment I used to get in HS. I used to see my report card with flat 9's but now? Well, I guess it's the price I have to pay for getting myself into UP. I'm just glad that I did not fail.I guess that's much accomplishment already.

Now, i'm hoping and praying for a better next sem!

Wheew! The smell of vacation!

2005-09-26T16:53:00.000-07:00

Tagal na rin since my last post.

One more week and the first sem's over except for the fact that I have to stay for one more week here to check my grades and take my final exam in Bio. But, no more lecture and it makes me really happy.

Plus, my HS friends and I met this weekend and planned an activity this sem break. We're all gonna go swimming and I am so darn excited.

Just one more week.!

Whew!

I hope I get good grades or atleast, I'll pass...

Bye-bye first sem!

2005-09-20T20:22:00.000-07:00

I guess someone needs to slap me for me to really believe that there's only a week or so left for first sem to end.

I can't believe it. Things have happened really fast.

I can still remember myself getting lost around UP since I'm not yet accustomed to it.
I can still remember myself being so intimidated by my professors and classmate.
I can still remember myself crying because of home-sickness.
And I can still remember myself being so nervous about my impromptu speech.

And now that the first sem is ending, I can't help but be proud of myself. I'm proud that I was able to get through a whole process of getting culture shocked, commuting everyday, spending sleepless nights for exams, staying for an hour or so without someone to talk to at the AS lobby, fighting over stage fright and finally being able to give an impromptu speech with a 5 minute preparation time. I still don't know what grades I'm gonna get yet. Who knows I might even fail at some, but I guess what matters is that I gave my best this sem. I didn't give up on anything. I conquered some of my kind-of-juvenile fears. I became independent and generally, I was able to transform myself into someone better.

Hay, the first sem's nearly over and I have a lot of people to miss.

Zen, Jen and Mimi - let's be classmates again! I love you guys! Mwah!

Ji-Hye (Anna) - I'll look forward to taking math 2 with you and our korean tutorial session. Miss you!

Ate Freya and Ate Mayo - See you sa MassComm! Mamimiss ko ang mga adik!

Again, thank God for this sem. Thank God for Survival.

ZzzzZzz..

2005-09-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

It's raining.

It's pouring.

But Rorie isn't snoring..

I HOPE I CAN HAVE A REALLY GOOD SLEEP NOW.

THE impromptu. Bow.

2005-09-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time already since my last blog.

No update.
No update.
eh?

So, okay. I'll update.
Nothing worth really marking had happened in the past days.

Well, I guess, my impromptu speech's worth sharing. It's not that I really am making a big deal about. It's just that it is one of the few things that I didn't really looked forward to this sem. I actually hoped that such time won't come. I feared the impromptu. I've always thought that I'm not good in speaking in english. I tend to stutter, get lost and just spill nonsense things. How much more speaking at the spur of the moment?

I used to say that, I CANNOT DO IT.

But now I've realized that, you don't have to say that you cannot do something unless you've tried doing it already.

My impromptu, though wasn't the best impromptu rendered, went out well. I was atleast able to say sensible things and I didn't get nervous at all. I was even the first one to recite. I know I shouldn't be really ranting about this but I just felt proud that I was able to go through something I used to be afraid of.

It was indeed an accomplishment.

2005-09-06T22:14:00.000-07:00

Today's a day I would definitely remember.

I met JOAQUIN VALDEZ today, host of the studio 23 morning show "Breakfast, supersized". He was our interviewee for our interview project in Comm3 and boy, was I starstruck. He isn't that famous I know but what struck me is the fact that he's involved with a lot of activities yet he still manages to go to school. He was once in theater, he's in the UP dragonboat team, he studies and of course, he hosts. "Wow", right?

"Take away my extra-curricular, feeling ko butas na ko. Yun na yung lifestyle ko eh." he says. It's very rare to hear people say such a line. You have to agree with me that he really is good in terms of time management. All I can say is "Whoah! This Joaquin is something."

And that makes me wonder why it is Atom Araullo who's getting all the attention. Don't get me wrong. Atom is just as good as Joaquin. You can put these two side by side. I just hope joaquin gets the same kind of treatment too.

So, okay you'll say, "Atom is atom and Joaquin is Joaquin". Fine, I won't argue.

I just believe that there's something big ahead of him. His outlook is just so positive. His reasons for doing things are simply amazing. He's someone I can refer to as a model.

*after the interview*

*wacky*

So, eventhough I want to cry my eyes out because of the terrible aching of my feet, I still wish to keep a smile on my face. (Btw, my feet are aching because Ate Freya and I went to SM North to buy a token for Joaquin and it took us 3 hours!)

:-) A smile for our successful interview.
:-) A smile for having the chance to bond again with my favorite comm3 people.
:-) A smile for having met a person worth looking up to.
:-) A smile for a well-lived day.

2005-09-02T23:50:00.000-07:00

I was smiling the whole day and I consider it an accomplishment.

I woke up just in time to prepare myself for my 8:30 class. I didn't cram whatsoever since I had my things arranged the night before. So, there. I reached CAL (and eagerly walked up the 5th floor) 10 minutes before time. As usual, my favorite CW10 classmates and I just chit-chatted the time away. Ma'am Yap then went on with her discussion but dismissed us really early because she has an appointment of some sort. Of course, we've learned one writing tip again: THERE IS A NOUN FOR EVERYTHING.

After CW10 class, Zen and I went on our habitual "pagtambay at paggala sa sangka-UPihan". This time, we agreed on staying at the BETA WAY. There were lots of people so it wasn't really freaky. Funny thing was when we were eating corn, a bee crushed on zen's buttered corn and we were like running for our lives just to keep away from the stupid bee. Haha! Super misadventure. We parted after some minutes cause she was to meet some people at Educ while I have to go to my next class already.

Comm 3 was okay as usual though Ate Freya and I found ourselves feeling really nervous about interview. We were even terrified when we found out that we have to make a magazine. Anyway, we calmed down naman. After class, ate mayo shared something really surprising and we were like, "really?" but at the same time burst out laughing because of how ate mayo delivered it. Sheesh.. there really is never a dull moment around masscomm people. Ate Frey and Ate Mayo plus Kuya Pao are good company. I had fun with them. I'll miss them next sem.

So after that, I went back to my dear (i'm being sarcastic) boarding house and got ready for my 45 minute trip to Intramuros. I went to Mapua, met with Jhef and we went to Laguna together. But of course, we strolled around SM Manila first before we actually rode the bus heading Calamba. I bought a new pair of flip-flops. Sheesh... I so think I'm getting addicted to them.

We reached Laguna safely and early so we strolled around our dear (again, I'm being sarcastic) subdivision and met with a highschool friend, Lovely and yah, talked very little and exchanged smiles.
Hehehe.. so that's practically how my day went.I wasn't bad tripped whatsoever.I just, in short, smile the whole day.

THANK GOD FOR TODAY.

2005-09-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why I wasn't able to chew someone's humor today.

I found myself humiliated rather than just joked.

It was during Bio class. My professor flashed an image of a naked pregnant girl. He called on me to answer his question, "What part of the body is this?" then I answered "Breast". Then he followed it with the question, "For whom is it?" He asked me to sort of just whisper it to him so I said, "for her baby". So, what's wrong you might ask. What's wrong is that when he announced to class my answer, he stated that I answered, "for daddy".

My classmates then burst out laughing.
Terrible laughing.
And there was I feeling as if I was a clown who failed with a trick and is now, being thrown rotten tomatoes.

I don't want to hate him but I felt really humiliated. One of my classmates even asked me if I really said that. Phew!

Waaaaaaah!!

2005-08-29T15:07:00.000-07:00

Malacañang stated a holiday today and I am not happy about it. Who would be happy if you have a day off from school but still you're loaded with school works? Who would? I don't understand the whole point of it. Well, you do but I don't.

So, they always remind us to see the positive side of things. Now, what's positive about it?

Okay, I have a whole day to finish my works. I have a whole day to burn my eyebrows. I have a whole day to knock my head off and yes, I have a whole day to feel nervous about the Interclass tournament this wednesday.

Something new, huh? INTERCLASS DUCKPIN BOWLING TOURNAMENT. So you think I'm good at it? I'm proud to tell you that I am not. Goodness, I suck at it. Thanks to my prof I'll experience how it is to be such a loser. Thank you so much.

2005-08-27T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am sinner.

I knew it was wrong but still, I pursued and I oh so regret it. I feel terrible.

IT WAS SO FOOLISH OF ME.

God, forgive me. Grant me your apology. Welcome me to your embrace still. Before you, I stand sinful but I wish to be purified. Help me do things that'll only make you happy.

I AM SORRY. I AM SO SORRY.

X-hausted.

2005-08-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

I am so exhausted.

Endless walking. Back and forth. Back and forth.

Sunshine then rain. Perspiration then cold.

Wheew.. I need some rest.

Happy to be still alive.

2005-08-18T11:47:00.000-07:00

Today is the worst day of my life. I've been through so much and I so thankGod that I am still alive.

To start it off, I nearly got hit by a vehicle twice today.

Experience 1: Since Lalilen's absent, I walked via the Lagoon from the Alum Ctr to IB. So, okay, the lagoon was freaky. I'm glad I wasn't snatched or something. Okay, I was near AS already so I decided to cross the street na. There was an IKOT Jeep on the other side which was loading passengers. Knowing that it's on a stop, I continued but when I made my first step, the IKOT rushed and nearly hit me. I'm lucky I still have my senses active, I immediately stepped back and was able to get to IB without breaking a single bone.

Experience 2: Our Kas1 class was suspended. Instead, we were ordered to make a research paper. We have to get the book from the Lib so there we went. I was again, near AS and I was to cross the street when a rushing car came and again, nearly hit me. Thank God because even if I wasn't at myself, I still managed to keep away from the vehicle. Wheew! Safe again.

Experience 3: I went back to Laguna with Marco and Mae. We tried to go over a new routine and tried our luck in bagging a straight ride at Shaw Blvd. But ultra lucky us, we failed. So, we had to just ride a bus going to alabang. The bus ride was okay. I got to somehow sleep. Then, we're in Alabang already. I got off the bus. I was walking and when I looked at my back, Mae and Marco weren't there. I was nearly in tears. I only have my wallet with me. My cellphone's with Marco because he has my bag and I am so not familiar with the place. I really dunno what to do. I decided to just head to Festival Mall and find a payphone so I could call them and GoodLord, I found them there. It so happened that when they we're about to get down, the driver suddently put the bus in motion and landed them on the next stop. Badtrip diba?

Experience 4: I thought that the Alabang incident's gonna be the end of it but nah, I found myself in an argument with a co-passenger in the FX. Anyway, I don't wanna elaborate. I just don't want being underestimated.

Experience 5: I was looking forward to finally having time to go online and patch things up with Jhef but he was firm. Nothing happened. Anyway, I guess I just have to live with it and start to convince myself that things are really over with us. Anyway, I was the one who called it quits. I wasn't supposed to but he didn't give me the chance to explain. So there. It's the 21st pa naman on Saturday. Haha.. right.

Last thing, he told me to take care of myself. Take care? I NEARLY DIED.

Blog-a-log

2005-08-16T09:27:00.000-07:00

If last week, I've been itching every single day to blog. Now, i'm feeling oh so lazy to do such. I dunno, It's not that nothing exciting happens. It's just that I am so "sabog" that I cannot put all those properly in words. Ack! heheü. And yes, I've realized how difficult it is to be keeping two blogs. Sheezh.. I always tend to get myself into hard situations.

Okay, you're probably pissed with my making a bigdeal out of my blogs so I'm gonna end it here and post again when I already have something sensible to post.

Down.

2005-08-12T10:27:00.000-07:00

I am a failure.

That is how I see myself at the moment.

Coldplay.

2005-08-09T11:20:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why cold has to attack me now, that I have lots of things to do.

I hate it.

I hate it when I have to read a book for Kas1 then I'll feel drowsy in the middle of it because of this stupid cold.
I hate it when I have to make a research paper but can't do it continuously because I have to once in a while grab a tissue and pat it over my wet nose.
I hate it when I think of my speaking in uncanny way tomorrow during my report.

My, oh, my!

Maybe, this is the price I have to pay for not taking vitamins daily. Waah... I swear, I'm gonna drink them already!

Hugs for free.

2005-08-09T06:35:00.000-07:00

I SO NEED A HUG.

I guess everybody just needs one because of the super cold weather. So, okay, last month I was like complaining because I never moved without perspiring and I so cursed our boarding house for having very poor ventilation. But now? I wish I could just hide under the blanket the whole day and sleep!

The weather makes me miss people more. (Jhef, I miss you!)

Oh, and I remember. I'm gonna be preoccupied with schoolworks already starting tomorrow.
Sheez.. another long exam comin' up. (God, help me pass!)

My entry's not going anywhere so I'll just end it here.

*hugs for free people*

Awww..

2005-08-08T16:46:00.000-07:00

I wonder if someone will ever write a song or poem about me or for me.

Marco, Mae's friend-cum-suitor went to visit us in our boarding house armed with his guitar. And you know what? He played this very sweet song he composed for Mae. Mae was like not feeling anything, which I doubt and I was the one who's feeling all giddy.

I wonder what i'll feel if I were on Mae's shoes.

It's gonna be a please-slap-me-i-dunno-if-this-is-true moment. I will be utterly touched and I will be very appreciative of it. You see? It is not just about the effort, It's about the feelings that that person has placed on his piece. HEART is required in writing or creating something, right? You have to love what you're doing or else you'll come up with nothing. So, just imagine!

As, in, ohmygosh! That song wouldn't be the normal i-can-relate-to-it song you'll hear over the radio. It's definitely much special because it's my song - it's a song about me. It's his feelings for me carefully put into words and accompanied by notes. [ Guys, I'm telling you, it's a surefire way to a girl's heart! ]

I am so happy for Mae and yep, Hats off to Marco! Astig ka!

I'm gonna leave you all with some prominent lines from Marco's song for Mae.

Slowly, she says goodbye
And I watch her go
I stay there for a while
As she passes by me...
This happy day is much special than usual...
PS: Click HERE for my tagalog Blog.

Bestfriend Lovin'.

2005-08-07T18:04:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing that I super miss about highschool, it'd be spending time with my bestfriend, Julia. We've been bestfriends for almost 10 years already and it's really inevitable to long for her once in a while. Like usual friends, we had those petty fights but then, we managed to work on it. We cried bucketful of tears together and shared tremendous laughs. Every minute is simply worth cherishing. College has somehow made us apart. Communication's really hard since she lost her phone that's why I am so glad that we were able to bond today. Sheez.. I really missed her.

Awww!

Okay, when we say wacky.. it really should be wacky!

PS: my tagalog blog's out. Check it: www.livejournal.com/users/rowree

REVOLUTIONIZED.

2005-08-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

Those people who have known me since the 1+1 years will most likely comment that, RORIE has CHANGED.

And yes, It's something that I will not deny.

College has changed a fraction of me. I dunno if people will find it negative but I personally think, that college has changed me in a better way. It brought out the real me. Highschool grabbed me by my neck and let me live within walls. Restrictions were all around me. You shouldn't do this or that because you are this and that kind of reminders bombarded me everyday. Highschool kept me from having a life of my own. Everything that I do should comply with the people around me's requirements and it should all please them. And one big rule was, I cannot fall in love just yet.

So, thank God for College and thank God for UP.

Now, I am free to do, say and wear what I want. People can no longer stop me from living my life the way that I want it to. Besides, I deserve a life governed by who else but me, right? And yah, i am now free to tell people that I am inlove. No one can stop me now. It's about time that I do myself a favor.

No more walls.. no more masks.. no more restrictions...

Wheew.. the smell of freedom!

College might be hard but still, College is a blessing. That's for sure.

2005-08-05T19:11:00.000-07:00

If you read on and learn of what made me happy today, you would probably scream on top of your lungs while blurting this out, "RORIE, YOU'RE THE PETTIEST PERSON I HAVE EVER KNOWN!".

Okay so, technically, I have 3 classes today, Creative Writing , Comm 3 and Philo 1. But surprisingly, all of them were cancelled. But I was happy not for that reason. To wrap this long thing up, I got the chance to go back to Laguna earlier because of such suspensions. I usually have my ate along with me whenever I travel back there but she still has a class until 4pm and I can't wait to go home already so I volunteered to just go ahead of her.

So yes, the once super mama-, ate- and bf- dependent traveler "RORIE" finally trekked on her own. Armed with her yummy, red, jelly bag, fearless her got to :

purchase her own MRT and Bus ticket
use her ID in order to get discount from the bus conductor
count stations for her to reach the "ayala" station perfectly because the MRT intercom wasn't working
be a bit lost in Alabang yet through using her inquiring skills got on the right track and yes, she has proven that she really belongs to the mass communicator's race
reach home safely with matching "pasalubong"

Okay, I'm expecting reactions. I dunno but It made me feel happy because I have finally done something that I never thought I'll do until I'm already working. You see, I'm this "byahilo" type so my mom really doesn't allow me to go on my own. She even commented, "O kaya mo na pala magbyahe magisa" when I got here. Somehow, it added to my independence checklist. Two are down on my checklist already (living far from home and traveling from QC to Laguna) and there are still a few that I would want to do.

And of course, since this is my blog.. I'm expecting you to go along my new petty adventures in the future!

His mysterious ways

2005-07-30T02:53:00.000-07:00

Sometime, in our lives, we'll come to a very, very low point wherein we would sometimes feel like giving up. We'd build up sentiments, regrets, hate and blame.We would often ask if we deserve being in such and then we'll end up with just an answer, "no one knows but you're at it already so just live through it."

Yes, things can become a little unfair. Unfair in a sense that we know that we really are not trying to enter trouble but then we'll fall into it in the end. Some things are just inevitable.. A simple connection to someone can lead you to something bigger or a simple word can contribute to an enormous fight. It's because we sometimes do things unconsciously or we perceive things as normal lang so it becomes a surprise when it pursues something way unusual and hard.

I don't know if what I'm saying's going somewhere, what i'm just trying to impose is that no matter how we want or how we not want occurences, they will happen and put us into a test. It's not simply a physical, a mental or an emotional test. It isn't really a measure of how strong we are or how ready we are. If we go to the root of it, we will realize that all of these are just measurements of our FAITH to God. Why? because faith encapsualtes our strength, our readiness and the other factors. FAITH is the sum of it all. When we have this, we will see how God works in mysterious ways. We will take every trial as a blessing because it is God's way of making us better persons. No trial is too hard that we cannot surpass it. God is always after us and He will not ever leave us.

TAKE ALL THESE FROM ME. I've been through it.

P-I-S-S-E-D

2005-07-24T18:39:00.000-07:00

Frown.Scowl.Sigh.SayShit.

I am pissed. I am so freaking pissed!

I don't understand why some people won't just stop bugging me. I am into a lot of things and now, there they are trying to add more to my megaton burdens.

You see, I really don't mind helping only if they would approach me in a nice way. What's happening kasi is they're like harassing me to do such. Bull talaga!

I am so trying to have a wonderful weekend. (Hey, it is very rare that I stay in Laguna for 3 straight days!) But what are you people doing? You're ruining everything for heavenssake.

I NEED PEACE!

One last thing,
YOU, YES YOU! Stop bugging me! You oh so intellectual!

NOTE:
It is very rare for people to see this side of me. Pardon but I'm really pissed. So pissed.. Oh, did I say I'm pissed?

It feels good to be Home.

2005-07-17T05:47:00.000-07:00

Nothing feels better than being comfortable at your own home. I am so glad that none of my teachers asked us to spare our weekend for schoolworks! Wohoo!

Finally, I had:
1) To eat "mama-cooked" food. I missed her spaghetti!
2) Two nights of sleeping in an airconditioned room
3) A good long bath
4) Limited internet access
5) Time to spend with my younger sister, mama and cousins.
6) "Lambing" from my BF.
7) The chance to see some high school friends
8) To sing my heart out with our videoke!

And as I have posted previously... Nothing will ever beat the feeling of just being home and spending time with your family.

Sadly, I have to go back to QC again tomorrow. Aaaah.. I'm gonna miss home again!

I miss you.

2005-07-11T19:01:00.000-07:00

Sheez...

You're eyes..

You're fingers entangled with mine...

You're hugs...

You're mushy lines...

The way you care...

The way you pamper me...

Everything about you....

Sheez...

Sheez...

I MISS YOU.

HOMESICK.

2005-07-08T18:14:00.000-07:00

I guess I have to already adjust to the fact that when you study in UP, you have to spare your weekends in the classroom.

Ack!

We'll have a weekend activity in Bio 1 this saturday and I really don't like it... Not that I can't attend the UAAP opening. It's that I can't go home to Laguna and it means numerous things:

1) No "mama-cooked food"
2) No airconditioned bedroom for 2 nights
3) No endless internet surfing
4) No overnight TV sessions
5) No long, good bath

But the following I've enumerated are just the shallow ones. It feels good to be home more than anything else because, you're with the comfort of your family. And nothing will ever beat that.

in the Arms of an Angel.

2005-07-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

If you've been with me or had the chance to be with me these past days, you had probably noticed my seeming silence. You could have even noticed my getting lost at times as if I don't hear you or something. Well, I guess, you deserve an explanation.

My cousin just died last Friday. I've learned of it after I got out of the FRESHteeg concert. We were hanging at PHILCOA then when my mom called and broke to us the sad news. My sister and I really cried regardless of all those stares we've been getting from the people there. The news was just unbelievable. He's only 16. However, I'd rather not state the reason of his death.

That cousin of ours is very dear to us. He's such a good person and I know that even if his life was short, it was well-lived. I also believe that wherever he is right now, he is already happy. He's already with the Lord and there, he'll encounter no hardships ever again.

Yes, we are all saddened by this but as cliche states, LIFE MUST GO ON. And as we go on through our lives, The Lord and he will be right by our side.

You're in the arms of an angel. Fly away from here. From this dark cold hotel
room and the endlessness that you fear. You are pulled from the wreckage of your
silent reverie. You're in the arms of an angel. May you find some comfort there.

JYAN, we miss you and we love you. Rest in Peace. I know you're already with the LORD and that you're happy.

NOTE:

2005-07-04T17:07:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't be updating for sometime for some reasons I wish to share some other time. Something came up and I hope that you'd all understand.

Thanks.

Down from the 5th floor with heavy feet

2005-06-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

8:10 am - I rushed and rode the ikot. I walked my way to CAL and did what they call "nakapanghihinang tuhod na pagakyat". Take note : our room's on the 5th floor.

I arrived there gasping. I nearly threw myself to the floor just to rest my tired legs. Jen, on the other hand, was giving away free browny like cookies. It was tasty, in fact. So there we were. We opened a chatterbox and talked relentlessly. Yes, we were all about to welcome our first class for today with smiles.

8:25 am - We entered the classroom with anticipation. We sat and comforted our bodies for an hour and a half of discussion. 5 minutes after, our teacher began talking. She asked questions.

Most of us were guessing.
No one gave credible answers.
No one did their research.
NOBODY.

With obvious disappointment, our teacher dismissed the class.
We stood bearing frowns. We were dissapointed too with our selves.

Down to the ground floor we walked... with heavy feet..

No CW10 for today, in short. VERY DISAPPOINTING.

*sighs*

Breathing... Breathing... Gasping.

2005-06-25T23:52:00.000-07:00

If you see me with a seeming super-happy smile today and the next days, I'm telling you it's fake.

I've been through a lot this past week and I really am burdened by all of it.

>>> I started my week with money trouble. I accidentally broke my eyeglasses and with Quezon city being sooooo far from Laguna, I have no resort but to have it fixed by myself, through my allowance. And darn, with just a thousand to spend for one week, what will be left of me? *major badtrip*

>>> I met my BF's dad unexpectedly and meeting him led me to further problems. Don't get me wrong, my bf's dad doesn't bite but is in point of fact, completely harmless. His talking to me about his problems about Jhef (my bf) just made me confused. He told me things that are way far from what Jhef has been telling me and boy, was I stuck in the middle. I talked to Jhef about it and thought that after our conversation, things will be cleared already but well, I was wrong. Great? darn, it sucks.

>>> So, okay, as I was saying the problem didn't stop there. Yesterday, It was his stepmom naman who I got to speak with. She called me and asked me if Jhef's with me because he didn't come home daw the day before. So, with all honesty, I told her that Jhef is with me because we'll be going back to Laguna but we weren't together overnight. He slept at his friend's house in Caloocan. So to sum it up, there had been a sort of misunderstanding for his dad didn't clearly perceive what jhef had told him. So again, I thought that things will already be okay. I got to breathe... well, only for a while.

>>> Today, I opened my friendster account and was notified of a new message. Thinking that it was from a highschool friend, I eagerly opened it. But then it wasn't. It was a message from Jhef's older sister. This is what she wrote:

hello,just wanna ask for a little favor.can u talk 2 jeff?Mlaki n problema s knya ni pa2.i don't know if u're aware s mga kpalpakan n gngawa nyan.malaki n atraso nya s mga kpatid nmin and i think ikw ang dpt kumausap s knya.our stepmom wants 2 talk 2 u 2.bka one of these days kontakin k nya.pls lng,d nmin alam kng bkt ngkkgnyan yan.ayoko n sna dagdagan iniicp ng pa2 ko,mlaki p nmn expectations nla dati s knya pero ngyn,sobrang disappointed n cla.pati kc k-pamilya,tnatabla nya.so please lng kausapin mo sya.tnx.

"Another problem ahead", I thought. Anyway, I wanted to help din naman so I replied to her message with this:

I hope you won't mind if I call you "ate". Actually, I found myself crying over things last night. Nakausap ko po kasi yung dad nyo and parang I was stuck in the middle. Hindi ko po alam kung sino yung tamang paniwalaan. I was surprised cause jhef's stories are way far and different from what all of you are saying. Suddenly, napaisip ako kung kilala ko ba talaga si Jhef. Your dad was telling me na lahat kayo nirereklamo sya when infact, si jhef yung may mga sentiments sakin about sa inyo. I know that I really shouldn't be interfering with these things but I guess it's civil naman for me to be talking about jhef's feeling the way he has relayed it to me. Alam ko po kung ano ang meron sa family nyo, about your having a stepmom and all that.. Naiisip ko na kahit gaano na katagal yung ganong setting nyo eh hindi pa rin tanggap ni Jhef yon.

Last wednesday, after I talked to your dad. Tinanong ko sya kung totoo ba yung mga accusations sa kanya. According to your dad, he was asking for ink cartridges to sell daw, sabi nya hindi daw nya ibebenta dahil hindi daw pwede and it was his classmate who's asking for it. I also asked him about dun sa mga nawawala sa house nyo if he really has something to do with it, and he said after my questioning him for "n" times that he really has NOTHING TO DO WITH IT and that he isn't the type to do such things. Ang sinabi nya is, ang problem nya eh lagi syang namimisjudge. Hindi daw nya maintindihan kung bakit hindi nyo sya kaya paniwalaan. You will sometimes team up pa daw just to pick on him. ( I hope i am not offending anybody, i'm just trying to spill jhef's point of view) Sinabi ko rin sa kanya yung reklamo ng dad nyo about his "utangs" and his reply was, "Yun na nga. Sana mrealize nya kung gaano kami nahihirapan at nagkakautang kami." I suggested that he talks to your dad pero ayaw nya, he wants your dad to realize it himself daw. I told him that things don't always work that way pero he's firm, wala akong nagawa. Ate, once in a while, kinakausap ko sya. Dahil kahit ako, i need answers cause I am just as confused as you are pero no matter how hard I insist for him to say the truth, yun at yung mga bagay din na yon ang sinasabi nya dahil sabi nya,, YUN DAW ANG TOTOO. I don't know where to stand din. I replied to your message with the hope that I will not cause further comotion. I just wanted to extend jhef's feelings to you dahil alam kong hinding hindi nya sasabihin ang mga bagay na yun sa inyo.
Ipagpalagay na lang natin na ganito ang personality ni jhef: he holds lots of grudge but he doesn't want to let it into the open. Ang nadiscover ko sa kanya eh marami syang angst, sama ng loob... Siguro kaya ganon ang ugali nya dahil yun yung nagiging outlet nya.

May gusto din po akong iclear, naisip ko po kasi na posibleng maisip nyo din na i was urging him to do such things and that i am the reason. I hope that these things do not cross your mind because those are the most hurtful accusations you can cast on me.

If you want to clarify more things, you can send me a message here but pardon if i'll reply late cause i really don't have enough time to check my account evryday because of studies.
Last thing, i have mentioned studies. If there's one thing about jhef that you shouldn't worry about ,that'd be his studies because the guy has big dreams and he really excels in that field.

Thanks and I hope that somehow, i helped.
**************
Sabi nyo po tinatabla nya mga kapamilya? Paano pong pananabla? Sinasagot po ba nya kayo? Paki expand nyo po itong part na to at kakausapin ko po sya about it.

And so again, I hoped that things will be fine already. I gave out my side and so as Jhef's so I looked forward to the betterment of things. But her reply to my message really hit me.

alam mo,s 22o lang,hindi lang nmn sya ang nhi2rapan eh.lahat nmn kmi may sama ng loob s ngyari s family nmin.And hindi lng nmn din sya ang problema,lhat kmi nging problema ni pa2.kso c jeff ang medyo maraming record ngyn.Ung mga accusations nmin against jeff s mga nwa2la s bhay,hindi nmin sya pgbi2ntangan kng hindi nmn nmin npa2nayan.hindi ko n iisa-isahin lht ng nwa2la dhil msyado n mrami kung dito ko p sa2bihin.pati mga hiniram nya hindi lng s mga kpatid ko kundi s mga barkda nila n "nwala" or "nsa classmate" dw ni jeff,at bbyaran nlng.kht ung mga baon nlng din ng mga kpatid ko n nwa2la.c kyla minsan ang ngssbi n c jeff ang huling pumapasok s kwarto nila.Ang npa2nsin kc nmin,msyado sya mluho n wala nman ilu2ho,gets mo?Mrami kmi n mgkkpatid at kht sbihin n malaki ang kinikita ni pa2,hindi enough un pra suportahn kami lhat.Sorry ha,pero minsan tlga,ikw ang naiicp nmin n reason kng bkt ngkkgnyan sya.pinipilit k nya pantayan o cguro pra masabi n deserving sya sau.Hindi nman nmin sya pinagtu2lungan.nung time n mrami ako nri2ning s knya,nsa bf ako non and weekend lng umuuwi,nla2man ko nlng ung mga reklamo ng mga kptid ko pg-uwi ko.There are times p nga dw n hindi n sya umuuwi eh.Anyway,at least ngkausap n kau ni pa2 and nlaman mo n problema.malaking 2long n ung gnawa mo-Thanks a lot!Ikaw n sana bhala s kpatid ko,ikw n bhala umala2y s knya kc cguro sau lng yan mki2nig.Wala rin nmn ako s lugar mgpayo dhil ako rin mismo mraming ngawang kpalpakan s buhay,alam mo nmn cguro un.But i'm tryin' 2 make up 4 that.Mhal n mhal ko pa2 ko kya ayoko n tlga sna dagdagan sma ng loob nya.mrami n sya naisakripisyo s amin.sna nga maicp ni jeff un.good luck nlng and god bless!

Things would have been really okay to me if only she didn't include the highlighted line above.

So, they actually think that I am the reason. It hurts, yes! It's like telling me that their relationship wouldn't be ruined if I didn't enter the scene. Some of you might find me exaggerated for she said sorry naman. I'm sorry too but the line struck me. I don't understand why they came up with such a thought. If they only know what Jhef and I have been sharing, they would cut their tongues and curse themselves for spilling such a thing. His being deserving and his being required to equal my level have never been issues between us. I have never given him requirements and he hasn't settled any of such crap back. We talk about each other's situation so no forcing is done. I know I am sounding really defensive but what has a poor girl whose credibility is being questioned got to do?

Sheez.. I am really tired of thinking but my mind just won't stop working. I would want to get myself out of this but I know I can't. Jhef needs me more than anything else this time and I won't leave him. I just hope that a period will be soon placed on this... and i mean, very very soon.

This is more than piercing my skin with a blade.

Let me bleed.. bleed.. hell yeah, BLEED.

I'm breathing.. breathing... inhale... exhale.. ack!... gasping...

I live to SURVIVE.

2005-06-16T19:57:00.000-07:00

Last week, I really got upset.

I can still remember myself being extremely happy when I learned that I passed the UPCAT and that I am about to set foot on the premiere university of the Philippines. "Whoo! Euphoria!" was my cry then. But last week, believe it or not, I seemed to regret enrolling myself in UP.

WHY?

Well, for the very first time in my life. I felt how it is to be inferior.

I mean, I'll go to this class... Sit... and just keep quiet. I really feel so shy to even spill just a single word. It's as if my classmates will be all ears to what I'll blurt out and then criticize me in their minds.

Parang being conscious about your grammar and all that is a requirement.

Parang you have to always give the right answers dahil taga-UP ka.

Parang.. Parang... Parang...

Being a UP student really puts you under a great deal of pressure. People expects you to be like this or that, to know this and that, to be proficient in blah blah and the list goes on.

Such thoughts really bugged me. I started to wonder if I'll survive. I was really at such a low point, I already wanted to give up.

*sobs* *sobs*

BUT God really loves me. He supplied me immediately with what I really needed that moment... the perfect words that'll give me the right push.

"Class, nothing is sooo bad that you cannot survive it!" (familiar, CW10 classmates?)

Yes, those words came out of my CW10 teacher's mouth and man, was I enlightened, inspired... I dunno what the perfect adjective/verb would be but those words really motivated me. (Thanks ma'am! ü)

At this point, I am trying to be as optimistic as I can be. I look forward to everyday with a smile because I have realized that God put me into this world because HE knows that I can get through any circumstance whether it be good or bad.

Thank God for Life. Thank God for survival.

I'll be BACK.

2005-06-15T18:51:00.000-07:00

I'll update this soon...

I mean, really soon!

I passed the UPCAT!

2005-02-19T07:19:00.000-08:00

I screamed on top of my lungs as I read my ate's text:

"Mae, gud am! Congratz.. qualified ka.. Broad Comm."

I jumped off my feet and yelled over and over again, "Nakapasa ako sa UP".

Geez... I got into UP Diliman and I got a slot in BA Broadcast Communication. Whoo! euphoria!

*thank you dear Lord!*

Reconciliation?

2005-02-12T20:08:00.000-08:00

Finally, The barkada and I managed to talk to Lovely already.

We were able to already open things with her.

She took things pretty calmly and uttered her apology.

It was nice of her to be that placid.. I thought she'd go hysterical and just attack us with oh-so-painful words and brand as this or that. *blah blah*

Luckily, she didn't but somehow, it made us wonder if she's really being true that instant. Some commented that her responses looked "plastic" which I guess, I should agree on. I didn't see the sincerity I was looking for in her. I didn't feel that she was really sorry.

Anyway, What's important here is that we're able to already breathe out to her what we think of her and how we feel about her actions. I hope that in time, she'll REALLY realize all her mistakes and CHANGE.

Hating Ms. Cox- Comb

2005-02-10T13:36:00.000-08:00

*Blush-baby* simply becomes getting more and more annoying as each day passes by. I really don't know what's with her. She's so different as if she's possessed by a soul that isn't hers. There are times when I seem to desire her to just buzz off, dissapear, evaporate, disperse... times when I wished that she was non-existent. Looking at her is inevitable though I really avoid laying my eyes on her `cause her scowling - over plucked eyebrows, mega-pink cheeks & painted lips just pisses me off. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against "vanity" but her perception of vanity is just to ooomph, "over". She tends to put her vanity in the wrong places and instances.

You might wonder why I seem to oh-so-hate her. Reason is that, this cox-comb has turned herself into a complete "boyholic" who dumps her friends just to have a guy (not even have but just flirt with). I cannot perceive, up to now, why the old soft-spoken, affable, laidback fairy suddenly transformed herself into a narcissistic, disloyal, guy-addicted nymph. What's wrong with her?

Her present actions made us even think of what we're lacking as friends. Maybe, we over-tolerated her when she was still just in the moderately-obnoxious stage. We're wrong in that aspect, yes. At this point, I just hope that she will realize that she's the endpoint of the seeming friendship feud that's cropping up.

Wake up, Wake up *blushbaby*... your cheek's pissing us off already.

The Need to be more Mature(d)...

2005-02-09T14:40:00.000-08:00

So, I just turned 17 last Sunday.

It feels pretty good to finally, be nearly adult but on the other hand, challenging cause it requires the need to be more mature(d). Meaning, I need to be extra responsible with my actions and be more equipped, emotionally. These requirements keep me quite bottled up since I sort of have to be someone I didn't get used to be like. It scares me because I know people have better expectations me, now that I'm a bit older. You might all say, "What's with being bottled up? Come on, breathe. Don't force yourself." I shouldn't, I know but I have to. Eventhough I'm still twined my juvenile side, I have to somehow cut the string and start to really "grow-up". At this point, it isn't pressure from my surroundings but personal pressure. This would, I think, be my step to being a "better-me!".

From now on:

I WILL BE TOUGHER. It's time for me to peel off my onion skin and show people what a toughie I am. It's about time that I stop being the old cry-baby I used to become and resolve to finding solutions to problems than bawling over them.
I WILL NOT JUST GIVE MY TRUST TO SOMEONE. I've been to a lot of tragic situations involving trust and now, I would really love to keep away from such incidents. This time, I'd be more cautious and just stick to the persons whose loyalty and honesty have been proven.
I'LL PRAY HARDER. It's only HE who'll help me survive so I'll grasp on tighter to him.
I'll try to forgive *blushbaby*. (I said, I'll TRY.)

B-day kisses to all!

Dead Tired

2005-02-02T08:29:00.000-08:00

Today's really exhausting. The relentless practice, the suffocating heat, the need to shout -- they seemed like dark clouds accumulating and marking my bright sky goodbye. Geez, my supposed to be good day turned out as a not so good one. I was TIRED in the truest sense of the word plus my foot terribly ached, I wanted to cut them off right at that moment. I almost slipped during our dance and I was just tiptoeing instead of jogging during our cheering practice. Ack! Big Damn Mess.

On the other hand, I learned something very dissapointing about a friend. How could she? Never have I imagined her being like that.. *sighs*

I don't understand why some people treats a kiss as just a kiss and much more can't I understand why some women tend to take men's nature of being polygamous. Why are there people who just can't stick to one person? Why do they need to play games on other people? It is very impossible that they are not aware that they'd inflict that person pain. What do they get from hurting people? If it's their way of having fun then darn them. I hope karma won't get back at them that worse.

Remember the rule baby ...
don't do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. Mind you,
Karma can be real, real bad... hope it doesn't get you..

What does it take to be inlove?

2005-02-01T17:28:00.000-08:00

The question might sound quite unanswerable or they maybe answers but such cannot fully feed the very broad concept of being inlove. You might say, a boy and a girl meets then clicks then voila!, they've fallen inlove with each other. Well, yeah, we all know that but how does the feeling really come up? That's the big puzzle. God really make things work in mysterious ways, ways in which only HE can explain and bring forth.

Being in love comes naturally and no one can perfectly explain how it all happens.

Anyway, the whole process doesn't really matter ... cause it's the feeling that primarily counts. I should know. Why? because I am in fact inlove ... i might even say, very much inlove. To whom? He certainly knows who he is. *wink,wink*

Reality check:
Dance and Cheering Practice tomorrow! Way to go SENIORS! Blue, White Team fight!

The trouble with alcohol...

2005-01-31T19:50:00.000-08:00

If I really have the time, I might focus on researching about alcohol. It puzzles me, really. I wonder if a drunk person is literally and really DRUNK. Honestly, I really am not a drinker. Ocassionally, I do but very little like only 15-20 mL or something. I wonder how it feels to be drunk, drunk in a sense that I'm not becoming the person I really am.. I remember myself just being dizzy the first (and last, i swear!) time I overdrank but I'm certain that I still am in control of my actions. So to say, I still know what I am doing. Now, I wonder if a person really loses control of her normal mentality and behavior once he intakes an immense volume of alcohol. I don't get it. Some people get surprisingly different when drunk, they go beyond their usual self. The reason they say is, " I WAS DRUNK THEN, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING" but another surprise hits when they continue the line with.. "BUT I REMEMBER MYSELF DOING THIS... BEING LIKE THIS... BLAH. BLAH. BLAH." Now what's with that? They don't know what they're doing that instant but then, they remember it the next day? This gives me the idea that there are people who exaggerates their state of being drunk. They're just using it as a sort of defense mechanism, a cover-up. Maybe, it's their way of trying to express their real self, what they really feel. Maybe yes, maybe no. Maybe they just need attention. Maybe, maybe not. Maybe they just want to experience how it feels to be off their real shoes and into the shoes of others. Who knows? Whatever their reasons are, I hope that these people would realize how their actions during their being drunk makes them less of a person they once are.